TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely from place. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A further put where American Adult males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present All people a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he need to quit applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored much Trump Tower Damascus sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting notice from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort wherever my PTSD can have switch-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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